The Little Traveler's heart...

is no longer beating.

At yesterday's ultrasound, we found out that there was only one additional day of growth, so the little one  probably left us late last week. He or she is still to make their grand exit, and hopefully this will happen sooner rather than later. Our doctor has booked me in tentatively for a D&C for next Friday in case nothing happens by then, but it is up to me to decide if I want to keep that appointment if necessary, or if I choose to wait it out for a little longer. Here's hoping that it happens naturally and soon.

I have to say that in the end I was actually quite relieved when the sonographer informed us that she couldn't see a heartbeat any longer. The suspense and stress of the last week have been just too intense, and the worst outcome that I could imagine was some growth, slow heartbeat, and another week or more of limbo and worrying. This way, at least, we know that everything is the way it should be - according to all sorts of research that I could get my hands on within the last week, given the indications, the LT would probably have had some serious problems if they lasted to full term and were born.

So. Here we are. This is (almost) the end of this part of our journey. Sad, upsetting, but a conclusion of sorts anyway.

And we can move on. Towards better tomorrows :)

Well, that's probably it...

The hCG level has only gone up to about 25000 since last Thursday, and that's not good. Another ultrasound is scheduled for Friday, and with how things are going, I don't expect to see what we would like to see...

The really crappy thing is, I still feel pregnant - very nauseous, up to the point where I have been considering the relative merits of throwing up, and only taking small sips of water, plus the fact that I absolutely hate vomiting,  have aided me in stopping myself from doing so.

It's just fucked - excuse my French.

At this point I am probably most upset about the fact that I can't just stop taking the progesterone and still have to carry on as if everything is normal, until Friday, anyway. Three more days of bloody hope - because I don't think I"ll be able to stop myself hoping, even in the face of the cruel facts.

I have to say that while I gave miscarriage some fleeting thought prior to offering to become a surrogate, it was very, very fleeting. The only two outcomes of the whole procedure that I actually thought about longer were a/ the transfer doesn't work and I don't get pregnant, and b/ the transfer works and I get pregnant, with a healthy baby, or even not a healthy one, is born. Miscarriage... I've never had one, not that I know of anyway. I should probably read up on it. Hopefully it happens earlier rather than later...

Poor little traveler - I guess he or she isn't quite right, and it's probably for the best that the pregnancy doesn't progress beyond this point.

All I can say at this point is that if I can, I will give it another try for Kylie and Adrian. The 'if I can' bit includes considerations regarding the time that I have available in Australia, and how things go with losing the LT.

Life sucks.

Limbo

Well, the doctor called on Friday, but couldn't get through to us as we were driving and may have been out of range. Don't know - anyway, she called Adrian instead, and basically confirmed that it's not good... She said that things have been known to turn around, but that we should prepare for the worst.

The rational part of me knows that it is VERY probable that the little traveler's life is coming to an end soon... possibly, it has already happened. So it is extremely frustrating and rather infuriating, actually, that the other part of me, let's just call it the instinctive part, is screaming: 'This is all bullshit! Everything is fine!!!'

I don't know why. I guess that the positive side of me just refuses to give up. I was so convinced that this was going to work the first time - I probably talked myself into the mindset so deeply, that now I find it hard to believe anything else. Or, hopefully, everything will really turn out fine. I would love to be able to not to hope - it would make things so much easier. But I just can't. So I hope.

We'll have a better idea after tomorrow's blood test.

Confusing!

Well this is confusing, and extremely stressful!

When we called the clinic for the blood results and further instructions, we were expecting lowish hCG and a follow-up ultrasound in the next week, but what do you think?? hCG is 21000 (??!!), I need to come for bloods next Tuesday as usual and up my progesterone back to two a day as it's in the seventies (normal progesterone level for the first trimester is anywhere between 9 and 47, but they like to keep it higher when you do IVF). Incredibly, no follow-up ultrasound necessary, apparently.

What the?? What exactly is happening? Is the little traveler in trouble, or is everything okay and the sonographer just got ahead of herself? I really don't know, and it's doing my head in!

Kylie called the doctor to ask her what we should think about all this, but so far, she hasn't gotten back to us, and now it's too late for her to do so today. So... Waiting game again. Hopefully we'll hear from her tomorrow, because I don't know how long I can stand this suspense!

Grrrrrr....

How quickly things change...

Not very good news I'm afraid.  The little traveler has a heartbeat, but it is too slow at only 94 beats per minute. As if that wasn't enough, he/she is also measuring behind - I am now 7w3d, but the size is consistent with 6w2d... The sonographer said that she was concerned. She was very nice, and explained everything to Kylie and me very patiently. I also had another blood sample taken and have to call for results this afternoon - but I don't expect them to be very good either.

Kylie was there with me. I don't know if that was easier or actually harder for me. I am thinking the latter, although if she weren't there, I don't know how I could possibly tell her afterwards. This is just too unfair!

It is strange how things can change so quickly. Up until a few hours ago, I was cautious but quietly confident. Now... I have decided that it will be safer to expect the worst and not hope any longer. I can't quite help hoping though. I shouldn't. What I should do is burrow myself in my study and not think about anything, but study is just not going to happen. So we're probably going to do the next best thing and go and see an action movie (the kids are in childcare, so we actually can.)

It all feels very strange. I have noticed over the weeks, that while I'm very emotional about this pregnancy, all the angst and hope and euphoria aren't focused on the LT, but rather Kylie and Adrian. Right now,  the sadness that I feel is not for a life lost (well, possibly lost - let's just leave a little bit of hope there), and I'm not terribly concerned about the high probability of a miscarriage coming up. I am frankly just pissed off because this is another senseless blow to those two lovely people. And I don't even have anyone to be pissed off at, which really, really pisses me off! It is just so undeserved...

Anyway, better go now and get ready to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 4 - don't even think I saw number 3, but who cares?

Change of date, pregnancy woes, and other ramblings

Well, today is the day. That my husband leaves, I mean. Last week when Kylie found about about the ultrasound happening on the same day as the dreaded departure, she called up the clinic and changed the appointment to Thursday - so I'm afraid I will have no updates on the little traveler until about midday tomorrow!

As far as the LT is concerned, I am feeling quite confident that he (a randomly selected personal pronoun only :) will stay put. I'm feeling quite pregnant, what with the nausea and a real issue with food and smells, the tiredness, and the horrible hip pain! It started a couple of days ago, just in one hip, and then yesterday in the other as well. It gets worse as the day progresses, and it is very hard to get comfy in bed. I don't remember having these problems with my two this early in the pregnancy. Then again, I guess the more pregnancies you have, the more likely it is that things will start giving way earlier on... Really irritating though - even now, just sitting down, I am trying to find a position that will give me a bit of relief. Ah, found it :)

Kylie is coming down this evening, well, night - she's catching a train down from Sydney so that she can be here for the ultrasound. She's staying with us until Friday, when we all pack up and go up to her place, as I have a (stupid, bloody, unnecessary) exam to sit on Saturday up in Sydney. So K and A will be in charge of my rug-rats for the day (hopefully that experience won't make them change their minds about having their own one :)

If you are after a surrogacy-related update, this is where you can stop reading :) If you are in for some other news and ramblings, read on.

Anyway, very excitingly, after this exam is done, I only have to hand in one more assignment on 31 May, and (provided I actually pass) I will be allowed to put an 'MTeach' behind my name (not that I will - I'll wait for my PhD before advertising my education this way :)

Anyway, as this has already turned into a post that is not exactly related to surrogacy only, I might as well keep going, as other exciting things are happening in the next couple of months - that should make the wait for Damien to get back nice and adventurous... In mid-June we find out if he got one of the postings that he applied for, and if he does, that would mean that we'd be leaving Australia within the next couple of years to spend three or more years in either Austria, China, Japan, UAE or New Caledonia. Also in mid-June, I should find out if I got through the last but one stage of my application for DFAT graduate recruitment. So far so good, but the written test that took place last month was a killer! After I finished it, I spend the day completely blanked out, as my daily allowance of neuron transmission was used up in those 90 minutes... If I get through, I will be going through to the interviews in July/August. We would find ourselves in an interesting quandary if I got through and was offered employment, which starts next February, and at the same time hubby got the Austria posting, which starts this December... Hmmm... Well, I'm sure things will work themselves out for the best in the end, just like they always do.

I'd better go and clean this joint now. D took the kids to childcare (I love Wednesdays! :) but is returning shortly to pack and get ready. We'll probably go out and have a nice lunch, although at this point all I feel like eating is bananas. We are planning to pick up the kids early so that they can spend some time with daddy before we take him to the airport. I feel completely fine about it at the moment, but, based on previous experience, that will probably change approximately an hour before the airport drop-off. Around then, I usually transform from a strong and self-sufficient individual into a weeping bundle... Oh well. At least this is the last time he's going. At this point, anyway.

Enough rambling. LT updates tomorrow.

Who cares about hCG levels, anyway?

I went for another blood test today. The results were 5958 for hCG, and something that I forgot for progesterone. Without looking too hard, it is quite obvious that the hCG value is again rising a little slower, but I have resolved not to worry about this any longer. Firstly, once I get back to googling, I'll probably go crazy :) And secondly, based on the advice that I got from the clinic they seem to think that it's all OK. I was told that I can drop the progesterone to once a day (yay for that!), and the next blood test is scheduled for 18 May, which is 8 days from today... surely if any problems were suspected, they wouldn't let me out of their grasp for that long! Also, fetal heart scan (ultrasound) is taking place on the same day - I should be 7 weeks and 2 days then.

I have to say that this is all a little inconvenient. Unfortunately, 18 May is also the day when my husband leaves us again to spend another two months in Afghanistan. I'll be an emotional wreck to start with, so if it turns out that the clinic's optimism was unfounded, there might be some serious flooding in the general area of the ACT (so, unless you have essential business to attend to in the vicinity, reconsider your need to travel here on that date :)

Anyway, as I keep telling myself, positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts...

Hang in there, little traveler!

Up we go!

And the upwards trend continues, yay! In today's test, hCG was 2450, so the rate of increase is... well, increasing :) Next test Tuesday, and after that apparently once weekly (for how long? forgot to ask!). Also, there is an ultrasound happening in week 7 - exciting!

Keep growing, little traveler!

All is well!

Just a quick one to update after a blood test today. My hCG level was 1295, it has doubled in just over 55 hours, which is on the fast side of normal... Another test on Thursday. Of course, we're not out of the woods yet, as anything can happen at anytime. However, at this point, all is well! 

Veronika

Note to self: Let this be a lesson - leave the medical stuff to professionals and do not try to interpret results relying merely on the expertise of Dr. Google!