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Thursday, 19 May 2011

How quickly things change...

Not very good news I'm afraid.  The little traveler has a heartbeat, but it is too slow at only 94 beats per minute. As if that wasn't enough, he/she is also measuring behind - I am now 7w3d, but the size is consistent with 6w2d... The sonographer said that she was concerned. She was very nice, and explained everything to Kylie and me very patiently. I also had another blood sample taken and have to call for results this afternoon - but I don't expect them to be very good either.

Kylie was there with me. I don't know if that was easier or actually harder for me. I am thinking the latter, although if she weren't there, I don't know how I could possibly tell her afterwards. This is just too unfair!

It is strange how things can change so quickly. Up until a few hours ago, I was cautious but quietly confident. Now... I have decided that it will be safer to expect the worst and not hope any longer. I can't quite help hoping though. I shouldn't. What I should do is burrow myself in my study and not think about anything, but study is just not going to happen. So we're probably going to do the next best thing and go and see an action movie (the kids are in childcare, so we actually can.)

It all feels very strange. I have noticed over the weeks, that while I'm very emotional about this pregnancy, all the angst and hope and euphoria aren't focused on the LT, but rather Kylie and Adrian. Right now,  the sadness that I feel is not for a life lost (well, possibly lost - let's just leave a little bit of hope there), and I'm not terribly concerned about the high probability of a miscarriage coming up. I am frankly just pissed off because this is another senseless blow to those two lovely people. And I don't even have anyone to be pissed off at, which really, really pisses me off! It is just so undeserved...

Anyway, better go now and get ready to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 4 - don't even think I saw number 3, but who cares?

1 comment:

Freya said...

My heart weeps for Kylie and Adrian.