The last chapter

By way if introductory remarks: Wow, it's been a while!

Hamish will be two in July (!), and he is a running, bouncing, dancing, chattering ball of energy. I got to see him for a couple of weeks in Brunei when Kylie and little man came to visit us. He was on the cusp of walking unaided, and grew his first teeth while he was there. Here we are with Hamish, just before he turned one.

The last time I saw him and his parents was more than half a year ago during a short stay in Australia, while were were getting ready to set off for yet another adventure, this time in Hawaii (I know, what terrible life I lead :)) He has grown so much in that time - this is him a couple of days ago.

And now to business. I haven't been posting much as this was ultimately a blog about things surrogacy, and besides the continued growing and prospering of Hamish, which I felt was more appropriate to enjoy privately, there was nothing else happening on that front. Now there is one more thing that I need to write about to make this blog complete. It makes me sound a little petty, but I intended to be as frank as I could on this blog, so I'll just lay it out there.

Here goes:

Recently, Kylie and Adrian decided to add to their little clan. While I have been expecting this to happen, I wasn't entirely sure how I would react to it when the time came. Let me try to explain. I have always been pretty sure that I would only do surrogacy once. While I would never trade the experience of our amazing journey together for anything, I also never particularly wanted to put myself or my family through the stress again. On the other hand, if I didn't carry Hamish (and Sophie Cleo's) sibling, it was quite obvious that someone else would have to (duh, I hear you say - but bear with me). Another surrogate. Another woman who would create that special bond with Kylie and Adrian, and this time Hamish as well. I wasn't sure how I would feel about that. Actually, that's not quite right. In the interest of full disclosure, I was afraid that I wouldn't be happy about it. No, still not being honest... I was afraid that I would be jealous.

When the e-mail came letting me know that the decision was made, I had a moment of panic. Now that it was happening, how did I feel? Was I jealous that someone else would get to experience what I have with the Rafterys? Or did I feel threatened? Maybe this other hypothetical woman would a much better, kinder human being than I am. Maybe she would have a closer relationship with my surrogate family than I ever did. Maybe (probably) she wouldn't move all around the world every couple of years afterwards and would get to see them all frequently...

I was just picking up the kids from school when I got the e-mail. The way back home took us about 20 minutes, and I spent most of the drive giving myself all these and other questions, trying to determine what the real answers were. And then, about 5 minutes from home, in one moment, I had an epiphany. I was looking at it all wrong. I stopped thinking about what I would feel like, and started thinking about how I felt right at that moment. And this is what I came up with:

1. I am absolutely clear about wanting Hamish to have a sibling here on Earth. I am forever grateful that we decided to have a second child, because even though they sometimes fight, they are also each other's best friends, and Hamish so deserves to experience that.
2. While I dearly love Kylie and Adrian, the idea of another pregnancy (surrogate or otherwise) leaves me less than thrilled. A lot less.
3. I dearly love Kylie and Adrian, period. And I am fairly sure that they are fond of me too. A new surrogacy journey with a different surrogate will never change or devalue what we have been through together. It will never change the fact that Hamish is here.

So, in the last 5 minutes of my journey home, I went from a bit confused and anxious to rather excited about the project and ready to offer any support I could.

Phew. I'm happy that's off my chest.

So this is it. I might drop in occasionally (read: couple of times a decade :) to jot down blogworthy updates on Hamish and my thoughts on surrogacy, but that's probably it.

Thanks for reading!