The Rafterys left Canberra on Monday, after we have all jumped over one of the last hurdles of the surrogacy process - we had a little talk with a psychologist, who, I assume, will conclude that we are all sane and aware of what we are doing. We then have to wait until the 30th August before we can lodge a request with the court to transfer legal parenting responsibilities for Hamish into his biological parents' hands. The keyword here is 'legally', as my time of responsibility for his well-being is over, save for the moments when I am giving him a cuddle and need to make sure I don't drop him on his head or something of the sort :D Unfortunately, those times will be few now as he is three hours drive away.
I have to say that since the Rafterys left, I have had a few emotional moments. Certainly, I am missing all of them, but it is not just that. I am very, very happy that Sophie Cleo has a little brother now, and that the new family gets to settle and live their lives in their own home. I don't feel like I should have a baby in my arms, as adorably cuddlable as he is. I think the main issue is that this undertaking has been a huge part of my life for more than three years now, and for the past year and a half it almost completely consumed it - not to the exclusion of everything else, but rather as a backdrop. Emotionally and physically, it has been at the forefront for so long, and now, suddenly, in one day, in one moment, it's all gone. Over.
And I am at a little bit of a loss, actually. I'm not sure what to do with myself. That will probably soon right itself, but at the moment I am floundering a little. I am back to my 'normal' life - kids, work, study. But something seems to be missing. I find myself thinking of new 'projects' - something big, some long-term goal. Getting fit and training for a marathon - sure, why not? Starting over in a new, challenging field of study when I am finished with the current one - sounds good. Finally completing one of my novels - okay, that could do it. But somehow, none of this sounds quite satisfactory enough. I guess there are very few things that could compare with what I have just accomplished - not many that I am in a position to do anyway. And when I say compare, I mean have, in my own eyes, a similar achievement value. I don't know. Maybe any of the above project possibles would do if they contributed to someone else's lives as well? What about training for a marathon and then running it to raise money for Make-a-Wish Australia? Hmm. Sounds better. Maybe I'll start with just trying to volunteer for them. What do you think?
